| I'm making you a mix tape |
[Aug. 16th, 2009|11:28 pm] |
Like, a real, actual digital master tape.
I'm giving it to you along with a real, actual tape deck.
It's a tape about how I feel, but here's a little preview: I love you. |
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| Hey you |
[Aug. 16th, 2009|09:14 pm] |
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Stop being idiosyncratic and broken. We're not in middle school anymore, and now it's just immature and frankly you should be embarrassed. |
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| Let's review |
[May. 20th, 2009|12:13 am] |
The list of things Ben DOES NOT DO.
Ben does not do space, and he does not do breaks.
If you come to Ben asking for either, he will promptly ask you why the FUCK you are even in a relationship to begin with.
If you like being very close to one particular person, be in a relationship. If you find yourself more the type of person who likes "space", be single.
Being in a relationship but taking a "break" for some "space" is trying to have your cake and eat it too. Newsflash, suckers - you don't get to do that. Commit fully to the experience of intimacy, or if you're not ready for that, disappear.
But do not waste my time by making me think about what it would be like to be with you, but, for a few days, not get everything I've come to expect out of it so you can have "space". It's an insult. |
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| I give up. |
[Apr. 7th, 2009|10:05 pm] |
I think I've said this before but I'm pretty sure I actually mean it this time.
I give up. I give up on the other boys, I give up on the phones, all of it. I'm actually too old for this, and too tired.
Of course I can't just turn it off like a switch. It will be a gradual decline.
Apparently (or, I should say, hopefully) I have something to offer the world other than my absolutist morals. We'll discover what that is, if anything. |
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| When will girls get it? |
[Mar. 25th, 2009|10:52 am] |
I am pretty sure I've had this conversation with everyone I've ever gone out with.
I know you don't like him. I know you're dating me because you like me. That's not the issue.
Regardless of how you feel, talking to him like that and generally taking too much of an interest in whatever it is he's trying to tell you about still validates his attempt to get your attention.
People seem utterly incapable of getting this through their heads, and continue to go on as though I've accused them of feeling something inappropriate for someone else. I haven't. I am taking issue with their mode of interaction with other boys not because of the way it appears to make them feel, but because of the way I know it will make those boys feel.
Another popular counter-argument is that they are responsible only for their own actions, and cannot possibly be expected to judge the intent of various interactions initiated by others. While this is fundamentally true, I then remind them that they can still use their reactions to ensure that these advances are not repeated. Then the truth (that they enjoy them way too much to ever be cold) comes out.
Somehow I always seem to end up with the ones with lots of male friends (some of them always ambiguously close) and those who have a general knack for being way too nice to boys. Though I've learned to see it coming, trying to avoid it would be foolish as I realize the alternative is a pipe dream that is fading fast as we age.
Childish and immature? Maybe. I've always been convinced that because I am a boy and I know plenty of boys who all tell me things, I know how boys work and as a result girls should listen up when I divulge some of my gender's secrets. I've had girls tell me I'm wrong about boy-nature; that's something I really don't understand. By nature I understand boys better than any girl ever can, and yet when I tell them that by smiling and laughing and acting interested they're giving him exactly what he wants, I'm often met with, "no, Ben, he's not like that."
He is like that. We all are. He's male. And while you're dating me, I would sincerely appreciate it if you didn't give other men the pleasure of having subverted me, even for a harmless little instant.
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| Always seem to end up here |
[Feb. 21st, 2009|01:16 am] |
Sitting in bed, not wanting to sleep because things aren't quite right.
It was so easy to sleep back when everything was right all the time. I thought, foolishly, that that little instant could last forever.
And for some reason, everyone let me buy it, too. Maybe they were just glad I was finally happy. Simple-happy, little kid-happy, faith in the world-happy. Or maybe they, too, believed it would last.
I miss it. I don't think I've ever been that happy before and maybe I never will be again. It was so wonderful to believe.
Whatever. I'll always remember it, and tell the story. This, this is just daily life. Nobody's untouchable here. |
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| Well, fuck it |
[Feb. 19th, 2009|09:25 pm] |
Maybe people do read this. Whatever. Let them read!
Lately I've been feeling like some part of me went missing a while ago, and never really came back. It's been so long now I've forgotten what that part was or how it worked.
But I'm starting to notice now that it's really not something I can do very well without, or at least, my functionality is greatly impaired by its absence.
I know it's related to the way I understand/relate to/deal with others. You have to admit that part of me is pretty broken (if you haven't noticed, start paying closer attention, you'll catch on).
We'll see if it comes back. |
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| hmmmm |
[Feb. 16th, 2009|04:45 am] |
It might be good to have somewhere to write.
I doubt anyone checks this anymore. LJ is kind of passé.
It's also very, very late (or very early depending on how you look at it).
Maybe I should just sleep. |
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| What I did this summer |
[Sep. 1st, 2007|01:37 pm] |
Besides slave over Ubicom's code, that is...
"Love At First Bite", the debut Pizookies album, is now up on iTunes. Go check it out! |
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| This iPhone would be a lot more useful... |
[Jul. 25th, 2007|05:05 pm] |
...if I didn't spend my entire life at the computer anyway.
Because right now, when email comes in, it arrives on the computer and the iPhone at the exact same second.
The only time the iPhone vibrates without the computer also making the "new mail" noise is when someone calls me... which is exactly what life was like before I had the iPhone.
Oh well, at least I get paid to sit at the computer all day. |
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| Italy trip shopping list |
[Jul. 15th, 2007|05:26 pm] |
Zoom H4 mobile recorder with 2GB SD card - $250 or thereabouts
Pair of AKG C1000S mics - $300
Loads of 9v and AA batteries - $40 |
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| Back from Germany |
[Jun. 24th, 2007|10:51 pm] |
Highlights of my very short stay there:
-actually ordering a Royal with Cheese at McDonald's (fine, "royal mit kase", wenn sie es so wollen).
-hearing Boten Anna on television - such civilized individuals.
-blowing my Dad's money on some expensive Italian clothes |
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| The official summer list |
[May. 21st, 2007|11:04 am] |
of Stuff To Do and Stuff To Get.
Stuff To Do:
-Reformat the iBook, start over from scratch. Been using this same install of OS X since 8th grade, time to let it go.
-Clean up and throw away lots of old crap
Stuff To Get:
Macbook Pro for music work (total about $2358 for the one I want with edu discount and Applecare)
MOTU Traveler for truly mobile, high fidelity recording ($700ish)
XLR snake for location gigs ($99-$250) |
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| If I have ever done you a favor |
[May. 13th, 2007|10:48 pm] |
or you feel kind and inclined to help me out for some other reason, keep reading.
I am thoroughly convinced that one's car is part of one's outfit. Unfortunately, that means my Toyota Corolla is the automotive equivalent of sweatpants and a t-shirt which is fine 99% of the time but Prom is coming up so I was hoping to wear an automotive tuxedo along with my actual one. Therefore...
If any of you have a fast, sleek-looking black, silver, or blue car that you aren't using prom night because you are taking a limo or whatever, might I borrow it? I would leave you my car as collateral and return yours promptly on Saturday morning. I can even fill the tank and get it washed if you like. |
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| That's really interesting |
[Mar. 4th, 2007|03:24 pm] |
I was putting my archival DVD of Pizookies @ BoB away in my big disc binder, and I came across a music mix cd simply labeled "Timeline". I made it in 7th grade and as I recall it was supposed to be the timeline of an entire relationship. It goes from being alone, through all the ups and downs, to finally letting go and being alone again.
I'll spare you the complete playlist but suffice it to say I was surprised to find how many of these songs I still listen to/find relevant today. Okay, there are some doozies on here (Evanescence, anyone?), but stuff like Something About Us, Heaven, Days Go By, and Lithium are all still great songs. We agreed yesterday that the universe automatically forgives you for middle school, but it seems like some of it is worth hanging onto. |
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| Am I the only one who finds myself so incredibly clever and articulate? |
[Feb. 28th, 2007|10:55 pm] |
If that is the case, then oh well. It's my fuckin journal, and here is what I said:
(22:47:49) bengl3rt: in theater we play a game
(22:47:57) bengl3rt: when we're trying to break down the emotions in a scene
(22:48:11) bengl3rt: after each line, you say "that's good" or "that's bad" depending on how your character feels about the line
(22:48:37) bengl3rt: girls should do a similar thing - every time a guy does something, they should say "that's good" or "that's bad" so we know what's going on |
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| My only question is: |
[Feb. 17th, 2007|12:01 am] |
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Why am I sad, tired, and lonely? I mean, robotics is fun, right? |
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| I've figured it out |
[Feb. 3rd, 2007|10:40 pm] |
Two things I've figured out or at least postulated recently, in no particular order:
The intent of the whole feigned self confidence thing was to allay whatever fears people may have had about my being unstable or needy, leading them to invest in at least a casual friendship with me. The effect may have been the opposite, though; everyone now seems to be distancing themselves because they are under the impression that I don't need anyone. Either that, or I didn't carry the act too well. I'm not sure yet what to do about this.
Realized this when recording a vocal recital today: There are two distinct classical music scenes in the Bay Area. By classical I mean anything <= rock (but including musical theater) - stuff involving mostly "traditional" instruments including the voice. I will not comment on the racial majorities present in each one, for I have been taught that such generalizations are not Politically Correct®, but suffice it to say that one scene takes itself and the material far too seriously; they also seem to thrive on competition, and often work under incredible pressure without true internal motivation. The other one, which contains equally skilled performers, takes a more relaxed approach and allows themselves to have fun in the process. Each scene is largely insular - I doubt highly that a given voice or instrument teacher attracts students from both scenes, because the style of working is different. However, people from both scenes have my number and use me for recording, and therefore I feel I'm in a position to make this observation.
Robotics is nucking futs but it's also fun. Sometimes. |
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